I'll be okay, just not today!

Over the past few years, I've learnt a lot of life lessons. Some were good and some were bad. But from each lesson I benefited something, whether it be pain or happiness. I was never brought down lower than my knees! I've cried many tears in life, way more than any 23 year old girl has ever needed to cry. Yet those tears helped me realize may things about life and people.

I have always had this big fear of rejection. I hate being rejected. Still life has rejected me many times in the past few years. Each time hurting more than the previous time. I've lost things and people I've loved with every part of my soul. I still shed silent tears about those things and people. But each time I built a tiny little wall around my heart, trying so hard to protect it against the next rejection of life.

Recently someone brought it to my attention that my wall has caused me to become hard and emotionless. Yes, I still feel pain and I'm still hurt by peoples actions. But I have protected myself so well that my defense is withdrawing myself more and more from who I am. I've become a stranger to myself. People's actions and words have caused me to hate myself and feel negative about who I am.

Why? Because I always put other peoples needs in front of my own. I'd rather be hurt and lonely than see them angry and miserable. My biggest mistake. Because now, I'm hurt and alone. I feel like a failure. I secretly cry but smile so that nobody will notice my pain and sorrow. Enough with this lie.

I've built this silly wall, not protecting myself from people and their actions. But from myself and my actions. I've built a wall to protect myself from myself. And now I feel the pain and loneliness. Not them, they still proceed with their everyday life and here I am questioning their motives and actions. Here I am crying and hurting, while they go on and act like nothing is wrong.

And yet again I've come to the point in life where I am tired of being hurt. Tired of being rejected and being pushed to the corner. This is my life. My turn to shine. I have gone through so much in life. And this is only another obstacle for me to overcome. I'll be okay. Yes, I'm hurt and I'm crying. But now it is my choice, I can either let their actions and words hurt me, or I can let it allow me to grow into someone better. Someone better than them.

Life is all about choices. So is being happy or not. I can hate them or love them. I can treat them the way they treat me. Or I can be a child of Lord and forgive and forget their harsh actions and words towards me. So I forgive you. I will always love you. No matter how much you hurt me. I'll love you, and I will forget this.

I'll be okay, just not today!
Still I'll overcome this and I'll shine brighter than you ever will and one I'll turn around and thank you for molding me into the person you'll never be!

XoXo