Life has this hard way of teaching you lessons. Firstly you have to endure pain & sadness, then go through the healing & then lastly you find happiness. But sometimes, life just isn't that easy for us all. Some of us endure the happiness for a long period of time, then your heart gets broken into little uneven pieces, your trust broken like a mirror which can never truly be repaired & by the time you reach the healing part, the pain has become so unbearable, that healing is no longer a option.
When you become a parent, you have this sudden instinct which God gives you. That certain instinct, is to make sure that your child never endures any pain, sadness, loneliness, poverty, hardships or any sign of negativity that you as child, teenager or young adult had to face in life. I fell pregnant at the age of 17, and I'm sure there is many more young girls out there who are or was in the same situation as I was.
I'll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I fell to the bathroom floor & I started sobbing. I screamed through the tears, I didn't want to be pregnant. I was 17 years old, for goodness sake. I was in Standard 9, excited about my matric year. I can't describe the feeling I felt at that very moment. All I remember was the tears and disappointment I felt towards myself. I hated myself at that very moment. Why? Because I always had those dreams any young girl had. Meeting the right guy, getting married & only THEN having kids.
No, I skipped a few steps. But like they say; every action has a consequence. So I shouldn't have been so surprised. I remember telling my dad that I was pregnant, I dreaded every moment of it. Yet, I never saw disappointment in his eyes or actions. He calmly sat there and said, it was fine, his only demand was that I do my matric although I was pregnant. But yes he took it okay, but some other family members weren't too happy. Those family members, that still haven't picked up their phones to wish little Tiaan a happy birthday. Those family members who still see him as MY mistake in life. But, the irony of it all is that Tiaan doesn't need THOSE family members in his life, neither do I.
When I went for my first scan, and I saw that little pea sized thingy in my belly. Only then did I realize that there was really something in my womb. From that moment, I knew that I loved the baby unconditionally & that I would do anything in my power & means to look after the baby & provide for that little blessing.
Months past & I started seeing changes in my body. I felt the baby move. I heard the heartbeat. And I grew to love that little being more & more each day. Being as young as I was, still wanting to do so much in life, I knew I'd have to put my dreams on hold. But then I started dreaming new dreams, setting new goals. No decision I made, was made without including my little child. I promised myself the day the Doctor gave me a due date for the baby that I would never let anyone or anything hurt my child.
But Tiaan being the stubborn little kid he is kept me waiting until 41 weeks before the Doctor decided it was time for a C-Section. I remember being pushed into the Theatre, the smell, noises, nurses chatting. My nerves were killing me. I was shaking with fear & happiness. But the moment when Tiaan took his first breath & first cry, I till taste the salt taste of tear that ran down my cheek, when I looked at that little unique body lying on the table. I still hear that cry he gave, the shiver of his little body.
Today, is 5 years since that day. That little baby is a boy today. And I can't describe how proud I am. Not only of him, but of myself. I never thought I could do such a great job at being a mother, but I have and I still do. He will always be my little baby boy. No matter how old he is. And I've tried hard in life to keep my promise, that nothing would cause him pain. But yes, some decisions I have made, have had some negative consequences for him & I. Yet, we are stronger than ever before.
I want to thank my son for the past 5 years. He has helped me through tough times. Wiped my tears. Made me smile. Never judged me. Always loves me. I look forward to the next 5 years. Because as long as I have his little heart in my hands I'll be okay.
Happy Birthday Tiaan.
XoXo
