I still remember standing at the door, turning around and looking back.
I knew that if I had to walk out, there would be no coming back.
I loved you, with every beat of my heart. But our love had grown ugly, something that reminded me so much of my childhood. Love just wasn't enough. We grew apart, hurting each other without even noticing the pain that we were causing.
I still cry when I'm alone, wondering what I could have done to make you love me more. But then I realise, I didn't want YOU to love me more. I wanted MYSELF to love me! I have all these memories of how my parents used to belittle each other, and there we were doing exactly the same thing. I still have those words in my head, scars I'll probably have until I'm dead.
These past few months I've been carrying hate in my heart. Something which has been my biggest mistake. I shouldn't hate love because it didn't work out. I should cherish the hurt I felt, because it has made me stronger. Taught me to handle life more easily. But I don't think it was my troubled relationship that caused the hate, but rather my childhood repeating itself.
Everyday I ask how were you able to move on so easily, while I sit here with so much pain. But the answer has been right in front of me this whole time. You may be happy now, but someday I will cross your mind. I'll have moved on with my life.
For many years I held on to something that was never really mine. I should have come to terms with that when you cheated the first time. Instead I kept hoping that you'd love me. That I wouldn't end up alone, or like my parents.
You never gave me your heart, and by the way I just borrowed you mine.
When I'm alone I always secretly plot this revenge against you. Where you'd be the one with the broken heart. But it's okay, I'll be alright. Because right now all I have is my grieving heart. All I want to do is give up. But that's the cowards way out.
I'm no coward, I'm more now than I ever was. I take my life day by day. Some days it's easy to smile, others days I fake it. But each day holds a new beginning for me. Many thought I'd be a washout, due to my childhood and having my son. But today I hope you can all see, I'm better than all of you will ever be.
Many say I don't deserve what I have in my life right now. But guess what. That's not for you to judge! I might have made a lot of wrong choices in my life. Choices I'm not proud of. But every human makes mistakes, it's just the way life is. But for those of you who still seem to think it's okay to judge. Please picture yourself in my shoes for once!
23 years ago a 16 year old girl gave birth to me. She never held me in that hospital. I was taken away right there and then and given to my new 38 year old parents. I was blessed to have someone take me in. While I was growing up, I already then noticed the complications in the house. But as a child, what you see reflects on what you become. You start believing that those actions are alright. You only realise the truth when it's to late.
When I was 9 years old I was told I was adopted. But I took it easy because I knew my real mother and father. Still it got just a little to much to handle. I started asking why?? A question I still don't have the answer too. That rejection will always be within my heart!
Circumstances at home had started to become a little harder, and I was forced to live in boarding schools. Or I'd beg friends if I could stay with them. It felt great just to be part of a real family, even if it only was for one or two weekends. Don't misunderstand me, my mother and father love me. But things just never was right!
I did many things just to get attention. Bad things. Things I barely even talk about! But those things are in my past and it's okay for me to leave them behind now. In 2009 my real mother passed away. I remember sitting in the church. Right in front, next to her coffin. Crying. Tears of pain. Knowing she had left and still today I never had a mother - daughter relationship with her.
I still think of her. Everyday, I wonder what she would think of me today. Would she be proud of the woman I have become. Or will she still feel the same rejection for me, she did 23 years ago?! My real father is still alive and well. Although we don't have a father - daughter relationship. I wish we did! But it's okay, I understand. That's just another wish I'll never have.
My adoptive parents are still alive. But they have always been a time bomb waiting to explode. Their love for each other is a mutual destruction kind of love. But they love me, no matter what I did or will still do. Maybe they just don't know how to show it to me!
My childhood was never easy. NEVER. And the day Tiaan was born, I made a promise to myself he would never go through what I had too endure! He will have better, more but the most important, he would have love.
My son is all I have right now. He's my everything!
I have so much to be thankful for today. Friends and family who love me for who I am. All you people who still seem to judge, remember you are not looking for my faults. You are reflecting in me who you really are.
This post is only for the people who can't seem to give me the happiness I deserve. These things I have told you today is only the mirror to my past. It would scare you to look deeper in my mirror. So I'll spare you all the rest.
Just take this and think carefully tonight!
I am so much better than you are! Because no matter what life has thrown my way. I'm still alive and living my life, my way!
Whoever has taken the time to read this post and get to know the real me. Thank you! And if there is someone in the same situation as me. Please remember, we are gifted to have been able to endure so much and still be able to wake up each day and smile.
Judge me now!
XoXo
