Early Morning Blues.

It's 04:10am and I'm lying in bed wide awake. I can't sleep for some unknown reason. Which is really sh!t, because I am really tired. And I really don't see the point in forcing myself to sleep right now, only to wake up at 5:00am again. So I might as well just stay awake. Even thinking of going for a jog at 5:00am. I really don't know why I'm sharing all this with you, must be the sleep deprivation. I'm sure that the insane amount of coffee I have consumed today is the main reason why I can't fall asleep.

Right, so let me start where the whole "Early Morning Blues" come in. I'm currently listening to P!nk's song - F*cking Perfect. And as I listen to the lyrics of this song, it reminds me of my life. Why do we always second guess ourselves? Why do we always think of ourselves as less perfect than the rest? Okay, maybe not you. But I do! I always look for the reasons why I'm not good enough.

So lame. How can someone think so little of themselves? The other day, someone bought it to my attention that I write all these positive quotes and stuff on my Facebook page. But in my daily life, I'm this negative miserable person. And everything he said was true. I have this fake "positive" attitude/personality. But when that fake performance disappears, I'm just a sad lonely woman.

And I don't want that. I am so Blessed. I have everything my heart desires. I have a gorgeous son. Two great men in my life (they are my father figures at the moment), who give me everything I ask for. Wimpie's parents, who treat Tiaan and I like their own. I have a dream job. I'm studying, something I never thought I'd ever do again. Wimpie & Rudi, have even motivated me to do Vocal training. I used to dream of furthering my singing career, but after all the set backs in my life I gave up. And here I am. Giving it another try.

In these past few months I've discovered so many different things about myself. Things I didn't ever imagine I could be. I've become a stronger person. Someone who isn't afraid of failing. But deep inside I'm still that scared little girl, who's so afraid of rejection. So afraid. But I don't want to be. I want to be able to put myself out there, live life to the extreme. Without the fear of rejection. But who knows, maybe I'm busy getting there.
All I need to do, is to stop faking the "positive" me. And start living that way.

Well, I'm done for now. All this sleep deprivation blabbing has confused me even more. It's nearly 5:00am, so I think I'll go for that jog now!

Happy Sunday!!

XoXo